Thursday, October 9, 2008

rambling #3: The honeymoon is over.

If I am to choose seven words to describe myself at the moment, I’ll definitely go with "utter lack of conviction in absolutely everything". To make it even more bizarre, this epiphany come during Idul Fitri; and to say this openly is both somewhat exhilarating and terrifyingly disconcerting.

Exhilarating, because by saying this openly I’m trying to come to terms with myself. Though it's also somewhat sad, for all this time I ponder who might be the one best to talk about this, and found none. I see myself live in between two extremes, one religious left with all its religion-bashing conversation, and religious right who are harshly strict and uptight and pretentious. I do see some moderates but none as confused and lost as I am. I sense that I am flirting dangerously close with the earlier extreme, and finding ground is not easy.

Even so, it is deeply disconcerting. For one part, acknowledging that seven-word phrase somewhat gives the sense of disownment to my own upbringing, as my father was a local religious leader. While i barely remember him, his reputation remains, creating a burden to live up to society's expectation of being his heir.

Other than that, I do remember there was a time that I can say as the time where I was most religious. Some seven years ago. Now all I can remember is perhaps my grandma death, some 5 years after my father's, clearly was a shocking motivation. Strangely, the recent death of my grandfather did not bring the same amount of closure. Most probably it's because I was in Manila at the time, disconnected and depressed over the miserable last debates. No second honeymoon with religious conviction as it was seven years ago. The honeymoon is over, for a long time.

But now I’m still lost. Seeing life mundane, bitter, and hardly make any sense at all. My flirt with the left might have yet to come to an end, all the while dancing with the right and putting a mask of serenity. Care for a dance?