Basking in a Mask

At this point, I have a question for you, dear reader, if any. I was wondering if any of you are familiar with One Tree Hill serial, which was aired on Tv7 back then several years ago. I personally only watch the first 15 episodes, but that'd be suffice to give you an overview. You see, there's this one episode where Nathan tries to get closure to Haley, Lucas' best friends, to get back on him. But as time passes, Nathan actually fall for her. Needless to say, their on-off relationship is one of the conflicts on the plot.

It'd be quite a strech to say that the same goes with me. But I'm not talking about any particular girl here. I was trying to answer the question--not that there's anyone asking me this question, you see, as this blog is just my personal rambling. Uh, the question. It's actually the reason why I blog in English, and why I get so involved with English debating.

Just like Nathan, I had an ulterior motive in using English, particularly, to create a façade of myself. I think you gotta watch Dexter to know what façade I'm talking about here. The point is, it was a way to hide my insides from the world. And I'm quite good at that.

Now, it's 5 years or so since I know debating, and that ulterior motive fades. Or I'm enjoying my façade. Your call. But now I sometimes found myself lookig for a synonim in Indonesian for an English word in a daily conversatoin, which means I involved myself more to English language rather than my mother tongue. And I found that quite problematic.

I can remember almost all the vivid details of the first time I made a speech in English. My first time debating in high school. The Ukraine-Trip aftermath where I found myself more eloquent in telling my journey using English. My first final in Atma Jaya. My first international competition. My teammates in each tournament, all of them, including my high school teammate. Sadly, I can't say the same thing for my Indonesian language experience, let alone Javanese.

That, and I long to learn French or Deutsch or Russian. Asunder. Estranged.