Saturday, November 10, 2007

Basking in a Mask

At this point, I have a question for you, dear reader, if any. I was wondering if any of you are familiar with One Tree Hill serial, which was aired on Tv7 back then several years ago. I personally only watch the first 15 episodes, but that'd be suffice to give you an overview. You see, there's this one episode where Nathan tries to get closure to Haley, Lucas' best friends, to get back on him. But as time passes, Nathan actually fall for her. Needless to say, their on-off relationship is one of the conflicts on the plot.

It'd be quite a strech to say that the same goes with me. But I'm not talking about any particular girl here. I was trying to answer the question--not that there's anyone asking me this question, you see, as this blog is just my personal rambling. Uh, the question. It's actually the reason why I blog in English, and why I get so involved with English debating.

Just like Nathan, I had an ulterior motive in using English, particularly, to create a façade of myself. I think you gotta watch Dexter to know what façade I'm talking about here. The point is, it was a way to hide my insides from the world. And I'm quite good at that.

Now, it's 5 years or so since I know debating, and that ulterior motive fades. Or I'm enjoying my façade. Your call. But now I sometimes found myself lookig for a synonim in Indonesian for an English word in a daily conversatoin, which means I involved myself more to English language rather than my mother tongue. And I found that quite problematic.

I can remember almost all the vivid details of the first time I made a speech in English. My first time debating in high school. The Ukraine-Trip aftermath where I found myself more eloquent in telling my journey using English. My first final in Atma Jaya. My first international competition. My teammates in each tournament, all of them, including my high school teammate. Sadly, I can't say the same thing for my Indonesian language experience, let alone Javanese.

That, and I long to learn French or Deutsch or Russian. Asunder. Estranged.

Monday, November 5, 2007

amat victoria curam

Depresi. Sepertinya memang ini penyebab utama dari mimpi-mimpi aneh itu.

Satu hal yang jelas dari depresi ini adalah bahwa depresi saya saat ini adalah hasil dari banyak hal. Yep, termasuk akademik saya yang gak naik-naik juga. Lha gimana mau naik, habis ujian Fisika Statistik saya harus beli pulpen baru, karena pulpen lama habis dan penyot digigitin selama dua jam. Bukannya buat nulis jawaban soal. Dimana-mana emang ga jauh sama ibu yang satu ini, harus banyak-banyak ngapalin. Parahnya, rumus-rumus paten dan mujarab itu masa berlakunya cuman sampai tingkat dua kuliah. Huhuhuhuhu..

Beberapa waktu yang lalu saya sempat berpikir, mungkin masalah di akademik ini gara-gara ekspektasi dan upaya yang ga seimbang. Yang akhirnya bermuara ke resolusi "dont be too hard on yourself". Yang cuman bertahan satu jam. Gara-gara satu jam setelah resolusi itu dibikin, satu bapak dosen bilang kalo bapak menteri HR merespon bagus, dan ada kemungkinan bisa dapet beasiswa itu dari bapak ini. Haduh. Lagi kena terapi vitamin C dosis tinggi gini kok diajuin beasiswa. Yang ada orang-orang itu pasti pada ngakak guling-guling (baca:ROTFLOL)

Belum lagi ngrasa gak enak, pakewuh sama bapak-ibu di sekre ijo yang warna-warni. Anak-anak baru udah mau dilantik, dan bapak Suharto bersiap turun, yang berarti kejar proker. Hidup kok kejar-kejaran. Ya jelaslah capek.

Ada juga Garden Party. Ini besok. Dan saya resmi jadi pamastron sekarang. Non-Pengurus. Sisi positifnya, ini berarti saya resmi jadi benalu. Tapi semua orang suka benalu kok. Dan masalah tetumbuhan jarang ada yang merhatiin kalo lagi musim UTS begini.

Ups, UTS. Kondisi begini kok pengen ikutan Worlds di Thailand. Kalo UTS aja acakadut, gimana kalo UASnya ditinggal kesana? Amburadul, itu jelas.

Pfft. amat victoria curam.

Bottom Up! Twirl me..

I was on my out from the hospital. And hell, it had been a long day, excruciating, as always. Which suits me just great to go to the pub, and get wasted, should it be necessary. But things never did go in the way we planned, no, when you want something, the universe will conspire against you.

So it happened. My landlady called my cell, and say succintly,

"I need to ask you something, can you come over?"

Which means that something has gone wrong. Just about time. And off I went.

My landlady came to my room shortly after I arrive, and asked me straightaway,

"There had been a property stolen in this house, in the adjacent room. Do you happen to know anything about it?" while welcoming herself to my room, precisely 3 seconds before I welcomed her.

"What was it? What was stolen?" just a plain natural curiosity on my end.

"An item, with a description matching exactly like that,"

I followed her finger, and found the it was directed to a pillow. EH? A pillow and all the bother? I was outraged.

"Get out! I have nothing to do with the stealing, and its MY PILLOW. Can't you notice that it has one side shredded? Or the fact that that fact and that I did not even bother to put a pillowcase on it makes it unique, worn out, and virtually worthless? GET OUT!"

"I only act to my responsibility as a landlady here. I only act based on report, your room neighbor..."


There, the universe will conspire against you. Will, and always.

So off I went, to the pub again, with full knowledge that a heavy hangover would not help me feeling good in the morning.

But things never did go in the way we planned, no, not even when we plan it in depression, or grief. Which is why I shouldn't be surprised when I saw a herd of elephants crossing the street only guided by a few elephantherds, if you fancy that term. And I say to myself, why not join them?



And we walked. And walked. And walked, until we arrived in a vast savanna, with two creeks on it, dividing the savanna into three equal areas. It was not a windy day, but I feel a cold wind, and I shivered.

And I woke up. Yes, that's all just a dream. Which explains pretty much how confrontational I was.


The thing is, I have been having those kinds of dream in days. Night after night. and it made me sleepy in the morning because I always have to confront someone in my dream. Just imagine, the night previously, I dreamt about going to Carrefour, with no pants on!

I can easily trace back my elements of dreams to the serial I am watching. Hospital and pub? That's Grey's Anatomy. No pants? See Aank in the Avatar book 3 chapter 9. Room Neighbor? I just watched The Big Bang Theory. Theft? Pillow? Breaking in? Connection found to Desperate Housewives. Elephants? The Amazing Race will do that for you.

I'm just thankful that no one gets killed in my dream, copying those of Heroes and Dexter. Or anything involving any bombing. Like Jericho. Or Traveler.

The more I think about it, it's just silly if i'm saying that because i watched these serials and it made my dreams. I watch TV even when I was a kid, but I dont remember being influenced this heavy, which leads me to.....